Having the Courage to be Disliked
As a woman, I believe women are at a very young age conditioned to please others and to be submissive. We are taught to be quiet, to submit to men in authority, to follow the rules and that to be liked at all costs. To be virginal and binibini like Mother Mary or Maria Clara. This people pleasing mechanism is deeply ingrained in most women’s subconscious the same way we are also taught to believe our sense of self worth is attached to being in a relationship and being desired by men. It takes a lot of unlearning to realize you don’t need to conform to patriarchal standards of how to live your life. You don’t need to loved and adored by many men or even women in order to be worthy. In fact, you can just be yourself and you are already worthy of existence because you are a child of the Universe.
As a recovering people pleaser, I used to say yes to a lot of things I really didn’t want to do or in order to belong. I used to say yes to drinking parties I didn’t want to go to, to gossip or to backstab when I was uncomfortable with it, and many other things that didn’t align with my values or who I was as a person. The need to fit in and belong and the peer pressure that comes with it is undeniable in human beings. As human beings, we are social creatures and setting strong boundaries often comes with the risk of being excluded from a group or social setting or being hated on. If you don’t know yourself well enough or are not strong enough to stand your ground some problems that arise is that 1. You will lack the ability of independent thought and will aimlessly follow the crowd 2. you will suffer from low self esteem because you are rejecting your own moral code and values. Even if people like you more when you people please, you like yourself a little less. When you keep allowing people to disrespect you or to overstep on your boundaries you will never be truly happy. Also, if you keep following the “mob mentality” that most people adhere to you will never reach your full potential, unlock your creativity or discover your strengths as an individual.
These days, I can honestly say I’ve been very happy and I feel content because I’m not afraid to say no anymore. Saying no to things you don’t really want to do or to be in situations that don’t align with your goals or waste your time leaves more energy for yourself and your vision for the future. Your happiness and sense of self worth shouldn’t depend on other people. Most people are acting on survival mode and on their own insecurities or traumas so you shouldn’t take things personally.
It takes plenty of courage to be comfortable with being disliked but i’m 100% for it. Strong women are always given nasty labels in society. Men who are assertive are called “closers” or “alpha” while a strong woman is called a “bitch”. Men who have slept with many women are called “studs” or a “ladies man” while sexually liberated women are called “sluts”. Men who are manipulative, aggressive or even start physical fights are normalized. While a woman is always labelled “crazy” for asserting herself, for having strong feelings and for pretty much everything else when she rebels from the norm. Being overly nice and submissive is the only behavior acceptable for women as we’ve been taught. These are just some of the many sad double standards placed upon women in society. Ironically most of the people who drag women down are also women, on top of the glass ceiling the patriarchy has created.
I’ve also learned that conflict and drama will always be a part of life in social setting however you don't always need to entangle yourself in it. You can choose your battles wisely and go on your merry little way. A lot of people are terrified of being alone i’ve come to realize. Many are scared of eating out alone, walking alone, travelling alone or are just not comfortable being single. Ironically, I find solitude very peaceful and liberating. When you do a lot of inner work and healing you realize that your body and mind should be your own home. Your mind should be a happy place to be, and the more you seek external validation and stimuli from others, the more you will become attached to the idea that happiness exists outside of you. You start to believe happiness is an elusive butterfly. And as a Buddhist saying goes, “attachment is the root of all suffering”.
Learning to love yourself and to know yourself on a deeper level is so important and extremely underrated. When you love every inch of your being, from your mommy/ daddy issues to how you are good at your profession or your yoga skills you develop a level of self love and self confidence that no one can ever take away from you. Often times, we place so much emphasis on certain things like our appearance, our friends, our job title, our financial and relationship status but all these things can change in a blink of an eye. If you lose an eye or become disabled what then? It’s so essential to work on things others can’t take away from you like your self love, your spirituality, your meditation practice, your mission in life and your inner peace.
As you become more comfortable being alone and being more independent you also stop caring what people think too. You begin to realize, “hey I actually like vibing alone”, I am pretty great company. I personally became more honest with myself on my idea of fun as i’ve grown older. While I used to go clubbing and stayed up late too hung over to function, I now do what I’ve always loved when I was younger like reading on the weekends and early morning yoga or outdoor activities. As you begin to seek validation from your peers or the opposite sex less, you become more selective of your commitments and more honest with yourself and your priorities. When you value yourself and hold yourself to a high standard, you don’t tolerate anything less than you deserve. You should always know your worth and that worth does not depend on other people’s opinions of you or other’s insignificant actions. At the end of the day, your happiness is your responsibility, no one else.
“If you don’t control your mind, someone else will” - John Allston