Letting go of Grudges
Forgiveness has never really been my strong suit and I always had the tendency of carrying unnecessary grudges towards those who did me dirty. However, as I enter into my 30s, I’ve come to realize, hating on others and being angry towards them is like holding hot coals, it only harms you in the long run. Anger is a slippery slope, and at times we can lash out on others when we aren’t mindful. Sometimes others who try to provoke us or push our buttons are people close to us and it can be tricky. We either bottle up our emotions and eventually explode or communicate our feelings and boundaries in a mature way.
There are two types of aggression as I have noticed. Passive aggression and Aggression. It's a misconception to think only physical violence is “violence” and “aggression”. Passive aggressive behavior can be “aggressive” as well, and these include 1. giving the silent treatment 2. making rude jokes designed to put down other people, disguised as humor 3. backstabbing other people who aren’t around, to diminish their happiness and success 4. bullying and excluding others to make them feel bad and drag them down.
Coming from an all girls school, these are not very new to me, and its disappointing as I branched out to new circles that these toxic and aggressive people are actually everywhere, not just in all girls schools. I personally dislike confrontations and being dragged into pointless inter group drama, but there are people who thrive on this aggressive energy reminiscent of Keeping up with the Kardashians. Needless to say, I would just never vibe with these types as I’ve come to realize I value my mental health, inner peace and my privacy more than anything.
Something that really helped me to grow and mature was a piece of advice from a good friend, “Never take things personally” he told me. The way people act, whether it’s some rude remark or passive aggressive “silent treatment” behavior- this is a reflection of them. It reveals their upbringing, their character , their values or lack of it and their unhealthy communication styles. It doesn’t reflect of you as a human being. Being able to access this mindful way of thinking really helped me to see the situation from a higher perspective and a place of maturity. It taught me to release grudges and move on.
Eventually you come to notice, the list will get long. There will be friends who backstab you, people who don’t even know you well making mean comments as if they do, rude strangers, the list goes on. So again, pull an Elsa and just let it go. Freeing yourself from all the bad feelings and grudges is no easy feat, but I encourage you to do so. There will come a point, your heart will grow heavy cause of all the pain and heartbreak people can cause with their actions or lack of it, so it’s best to forgive them and learn to let go. Learn to start over with a clean state, and have faith there are some good people in this world. Just because you forgive someone who hurt you and don’t hold a grudge, doesn’t mean what they did is correct either. It also doesn’t mean you have to welcome them back in your life.
Letting go of grudges is for you, no one else. Forgivess is also for you. Sometimes we ask ourselves “why did this happen to me?” When in fact we should be asking ourselves, “What is this trying to teach me?”. Recently, I learned a new lesson and that is “don’t get too close to people too soon.” Take your time, know a person’s history and character and watch their actions first before befriending them and investing too much precious time and energy. Not everyone has the best intentions. It’s important to be wary rather than being too nice or too friendly. It’s also important to note: time is fleeting. Spend your precious time with people whose values and goals align with yours. Those who make you laugh and put a smile on your face, rather than drag you down and make you feel bad about yourself. Energy is contagious, so keep surrounding yourself with souls who lift you up, inspire you and support your dreams. Most importantly, don’t ever let anyone dim your shine or steal your sparkle. Shine bright like the diamond you are.
“Holding grudges is like letting someone live rent free in your mind” - J.L. Beck