The Fear of Falling

There are many kinds of Love as I have noticed. The love you feel for your child, the love for your friends and family, the love you feel for your partner and the love you give yourself.

As life goes on, and you pass the stages of your life that you are naive and overly optimistic about romantic Love, you can get disappointed with your expectations of what Love is versus what it is actually in real life. When you are young, you expect that fairytale Disney romance where you get swept off your feet and are given the world and flowers on top of that. However, as you grow older, you realize Love can be disillusioning. Even people you used to admire who were happily married show a shiny fake facade. Underneath all the perfect, happy social media couple posts are arguments, affairs, staged enactments, forced flowers, more arguments, until it hits you that marriage is hard work. It’s hardly as easy or beautiful as people make it sound.

For a very long time towards the end of my 20s, I was extremely jaded with my attitude towards Love and marriage. I felt like weddings were this giant party before you get jailed and chained to one person for the rest of your life. Seeing all my parent’s friends get separated one by one was a sad ordeal as I knew them growing up. Slowly, some of my friends whose marriages I used to admire are also getting separated which is also depressing. Having male friends also changed my view on marriage a lot, as i’d hear the usual “Cheating is normal and everyone cheats”. and “Love is overrated”. Statistics on marriage are also not in favor of most marriages lasting.

I resigned myself to the fact that my longest relationship ever, would probably be to my cat. That I would be okay alone, I had my son Mako anyway when I get older and that’s all I needed. I’ve always been told my standards are too high, I am too picky. I should be realistic or settle for someone even if i’m not really that attracted to them for the companionship or stability. I have been very pessimistic about Love but I still do believe Love shouldn’t be something you settle for. I would rather be alone than settle for a half baked version of Love.

It is kind of funny though that just when you become exhausted with trying to date and want to throw in the towel after going out with the nth guy who bores you to death- that’s when the Universe decides to slap a wildcard in your face. And it is SCARY. You are forced to re- examine yourself, you get self conscious, you are actually excited to see the person and not feel like you’re on another “dating chore”. You realize your days are just a little better when they give you a call, and time flies by when you’re together. Even mundane things like going for a walk or doing groceries is fun. It feels exciting, confusing, scary, nerve wracking, joyful and a bunch of other conflicting emotions at the same time. But ultimately it triggers a certain kind of fear that all my negative emotions towards Love could be a comfort zone I am being forced out of. That maybe, i’m not as strong or brave as I thought I was, because I am afraid to fall in Love and to be vulnerable.

I’ve had so many wild, adventurous experiences scuba diving in deep depths with sharks and strong currents, but it’s only now I realize Love is scarier than all those things. It has the power to make you, or break you. It can make you feel like you’re on top of the world or crushed into the depths of the ocean feeling nothing but waves of sadness. It takes courage to open yourself up to someone and let them see who you really are. As I navigate through these unchartered waters, I am continuously redefining my ideas of what Love means and I am learning patience, understanding, sensitivity and a deeper sense of empathy along the way. The fear of falling in Love I imagine could be like skydiving. It’s initially scary to jump into a free fall not knowing what is going to happen but you jump anyway. It can be scary and exhilarating, but you enjoy the view and with some luck, the parachute opens. In the same way you hope that person you are falling for would have your back and is right for you as well.

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.

― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry